Does anyone else have a mental wrestling match they have to compete in every morning?
My morning is a high-stakes three-way wrestling match between my ambitions, my desire to gently care for myself, and my raging procrastination
Just me? Ok.
I’m sick of it. And grateful for it. And infuriated by it. And sad by it. And some mornings I don’t even think about it.
Today my procrastination was the winner. The other two were swiftly pinned down the moment I hit the snooze button. Cue me getting out of bed at 10AM (work starts at 9) and making it to my computer by 11:30. Then comes the thoughts of shame for not being disciplined or the best me I could be.
The hardest part of trying to be a better version of myself has been accepting how much care my mind and body actually need. As someone suffering from fluctuating depression, it’s never a certainty how much my body will allow me to work.
Developing a supreme acceptance of this fact is a challenge, but necessary.
We can’t ignore needs over here, in favor of needs over there. Our body will remind us that we aren’t paying attention to ourselves, despite how much we may want to move forward anyway.
The intellectualize-er part of myself rushed to tell me that acceptance of “doing less” could actually be a strategy to “do more” in the long run. But that is only because of my belief that taking care of oneself is not real work, and that it is not a quality worthy enough to value one’s life upon.
Living life is hard work. It is difficult for us to value doing the thankless work of keeping ourselves alive and healthy. It’s simply expected of us to exist. The only value seen by others is through things that are produced into the world: products, art, code, coffee.
This shame is something myself and the American culture need to overcome. We are not on this earth solely to produce economic value. We are valuable in and of ourselves. Showing up to the morning and winning our internal wrestling match is enough, and deserving of celebration.
“Many feel existentially lost without the driving structure of work in their life – even if that structure is neither proportionally profitable nor healthy in a physical or psychological sense” - Alexandra Michel
Today I’m having an uncharacteristically European lunch of espresso and a pastry, and I’m proud of myself for it. I (softly) quit coffee and I try to avoid pastry but I am letting myself exist in the way that I need to right now. I don’t want to hear the narrative of how I am supposed to live in order to thrive in a culture that does not value our leisure.
The modern productivity dogma would label me “lazy” and on the fast track to falling behind the ball, as I am not optimizing my health, time and work to stay ahead. Or whatever that really means.
As a previous subscriber to the toxic productivity belief system, I am relieved to be living outside that lifestyle now.
The only system we should listen to is our body. It already has the answers. We are inherently forward-moving, creative, passionate beings. We don’t need someone to tell us to move forward, we will naturally do so when we are meeting our own needs.
What is that? you have big goals, you have dreams you say?! You don’t have time to waste standing still!
Well, I hear you.
Please show up to work on-time, do your job, live in the world. Make your mark on society. But please don’t believe that because your body is telling you that it doesn’t want to, that it is wrong for feeling so. And if you need to push yourself a bit harder to reach your goals, by all means, do it.
Lets all just be aware that subscribing to another’s belief system (whether it’s cultural, or someone else specifically) as to how you should be moving your body will only create a secondary dialog that may be in conflict with the one you naturally have with yourself.
Let’s continue to listen to others from a healthy distance and pick up nuggets of wisdom that resonate with us. We all want to be better versions of ourselves, but let’s not lead with the assumption that the world has it figured out and that we would be wise to adapt to it.
We need to learn to adapt the world back to us. We need the world to be a bit calmer, a bit more in tune with the inherent nature of people, instead of allowing a flawed world to manipulate us into doing what it demands.
I suppose this is all a metaphor to say that we should put up a shield from the opinions of others. One that allows the inner parts of ourselves to peacefully have morning coffee with each other and chat collaboratively about who is going to take the lead each day, instead of engaging in a Battle Royale of self-domination.
Sure, let’s say that.
I may come off a tad pretentious today, and maybe I am. I’m doing one foot stomp to declare that I am passionate about this topic. If you feel passionate about your internal wrestling match, please stomp your foot wherever you are, maybe take a deep breath, and leave me a comment too.
Wes
I also struggle with waking up on time; I have for pretty much my entire life. And then on my commute to wherever I'm going I give myself a thorough thrashing and poignant pep talk: "Tomorrow will be different! Tomorrow I will get here on time" only to repeat the same pattern the next day.
At some point i realized the visualization of being on time replaced the act of being on time. I could forgive myself for being late because TOMORROW i would be on time. But I still would be late. Me in bed would not have the conviction of me commuting.
Eventually i released myself of the responsibility, and stopped trying to get up and stopped trying to get better.
About 3 weeks ago I was explaining this pattern to my wife (who is always early to everything). She diagnosed this as another symptom of the "gifted child" label.
You see, nothing has ever been that hard for me. I was a good test taker, I got As and Bs without too much effort. I catch on quick and people generally like me. And so I've had very little reason to exercise my will. I dont often have to work hard so hard work feels unnatural. When I'm laying in bed, i wait until i FEEL like getting up instead exercising my will to get up.
When put in these terms, i realized what my block was to getting out of bed on time. Now, every morning, I am choosing to get up at a certain time instead of waiting to get up.
I dont know if age has allowed me to flip this switch, or perhaps i have become more used to exercising willpower, but it is a welcome change. Something I really hope I can use in more and more areas of my life.